Category: Thoughts

Pen and paper

Thank god I got pen and paper.
If I would say out loud what I think
some people would kill me.
If I would whisper the feelings i have
even my friends would turn their backs on me.
If I would do what I want to
the police would put me in jail forever.
If I would show what the world means to me
the doctors would lock me away.
So I write all those things down.
On this all patient paper.
With this emotionless pen.
Just to lock those sheets away.
Far away from myself.
All what I am.
Put away in that safe place.
Where even I can’t reach it.
Gone for good.
So that I can walk straight out of the front door.
See all the things I just wrote about.
And still being able to smile.
– sanados

Dann laufe ich lieber

Mein Leben lang gelaufen.
Weite Leere vor mir.
Dann bin ich stehen geblieben
und habe mich umgedreht.
Es war niemand da.
Es war noch nie jemand da.
Alleine auf meinem Weg seit je her.
Schließlich habe ich mich nieder gesetzt.
Ich bin angekommen.
Endlich hörte ich die anderen Stimmen.
Das Gelächter.
Die ausgelassenen Feiern.
Lauter nichts sagende Gespräche.
Flache Kommunikation.
Sinnloses Betrinken.
Brüstungen die man nicht fühlt.
Belanglose Leben.
Zeit die nur vergeht weil sie still steht.
Sie sehen mich an und sehen mich nicht.
Ich laufe jetzt wieder.

– sanados

Early but late

We arrived early.
Just minutes passed since we got that call.
A man was standing at the entrance.
It seems that he was waiting to show us in.
I bet he did not think we arrive that soon.
He hasn’t recognized us yet.
Once again we sounded the martin’s horn
and entered the driveway.
Jumping out of the ambulance car
everyone of us grabbed a bag.
We managed to pass the distance to the man in just some seconds.
Already with tons of questions about what happened as we approached him.
Then we came to a halt and calmed down.
We didn’t need to hurry that much.
Minutes passed as we just stood there.
He was not waiting for us.
Not waiting for anything anymore.
We could hardly see the spear through his chest that was keeping him upright.
– sanados

Water

Water all around me.
Makes me feeling free.
It is the element I belong in.
Born to be swimming.
There I manage to relax.
All my motions are just reflex.
Feel the liquid on my skin.
Makes me want to sink in.
Floating on the surface.
Living in a slow pace.
All this might.
It is the greatest delight.
– sanados

Lucky

I was back to the old bridge.
A long forgotten bridge in the forest.
It was a railway bridge.
Now covered and hidden by grass and trees.
But what a beauty.
Rusty but strong.

I like heading out there.
Standing on the railing and looking down.
Down into a riverbed which dried out long ago.
I am there at least once a week.
Some urge always drags me there
to find some rest and some peace.
It is all so quiet there.
Peaceful.
After some hours when I get back home I am thinking
“Another day on which I did not jump off the railing.”

“Yet”
– sanados

The fog

Early autumn morning.
It is foggy outside.
I dress up and leave the house.
Already late because i had to wash the dishes and some other housework.
But finally I managed to run off and get into nature.
Here I start running.
Much too fast through this dense fog.
Reaching the woods I would not slow down.
A twig hits me on my cheek.
My bad.
Why did i had to go at this time.
Why did I have to choose this path?
But I struggle on.
After all I like fog.
And the tingling feeling it creates on my skin.
Then fog lightens.
I can see the ground in front of me.
One step further and i would have fallen in a great abyss
which appeared directly in front of me.
I smile.
Then I jump.
– sanados

The last moment

This moment.
When everything collapse.
Falls down on you.
Everything you built up.
Everything you wished.
Everything you hoped for.
Everything you ruined.
Finally.
Everything rebels.
And comes down on you.

This one moment is the key.
The key to everything.
This one moment is memory.
Memories for all that happened.
Then you let go.
For the first time.
For the last time.
Finally the day has come,
for the last moment.
– sanados

Die Autofahrt

Wie die Felder am Fenster vorbei ziehen.
All die neuen Eindrücke die man am Steuer verpasst.
Die Welt beobachten.
Ich mache es mir auf der Rückbank gemütlich.
Füsse ausstrecken und zurückfallen lassen.
Ein schönes Gefühl.
Eine sehr angenehme Reise.
Ohne sich auf die Strasse zu konzentrieren.
Einfach die Gedanken schweifen lassen.
Die Augen schließen und auf eine Reise gehen.
Nur das Herz blutet noch immer.
Es war eine gute Idee von dem Fahrersitz
auf die Rückbank zu klettern.
– sanados

And black it becomes

Fading to grey
All colors gone.
Withered to different shades of grey.
Scolded for shining too bright.
Punished for existence.
Stabbed and bleeding out.
Traces burnt to ash.
Forever gone.
Since forever erased.
No memory shall ever remain.
For all the time just grey.
In eternity meant to darken.
– sanados

Alt

Alt genug, daß ich meine Freunde nicht meinem Schmerz belästige.
Alt genug, um nicht unkontrolliert in Tränen auszubrechen.
Alt genug, um zu lachen trotz meiner Gedanken.

Bald zu alt, um meinen einzigen Traum umzusetzen.
Bald zu alt, um meinen einzigen Wunsch zu realisieren.
Bald zu alt, um noch Hoffnung zu haben.

Ich bin zu alt, um in einer Traumwelt zu leben.
Zu alt, um unrealistische Vorstellungen zu haben.
Zu alt, als das ich einfach zum Telefonhörer greifen könnte.
– sanados